My Dirty Little Secret
by singlemompostdoc
I’m in the process of mentally preparing myself for the next round of job applications to be sent out this fall. I have one more year of funding at my current institution but then everything is up in the air. Since having the little man, I have interviewed for 3 positions, two postdocs and one visiting assistant professor position. The visiting assistant professor position was not that big of an issue because it was where my fiancée is also employed, so everyone knew me. The postdoc positions were another story. When you are a single mom in academia and applying for jobs there is this complex emotional conflict that develops. Mainly, the thing that you love most in the world and are the most proud of has to be your dirty little secret. You have a child. Plus, not only do you have a child, you are also a single parent. Suddenly you are ashamed of the thing that contributes so much joy.
All of my postdoc interviews were by phone. For the first one, when the little man was three, I never mentioned that I had a child. We discussed the project and my experience. I wanted to apply for a NIH Postdoc Fellowship so we discussed those plans. Not once did I say, “Oh and by the way, I have a kid.” I know that you are not supposed to bring it up anyway but at the same time, I felt like I was tricking this potential mentor. For some, women with children are considered a financial burden. They are the things that stop you from doing what you are supposed to be doing, which is work. So I hid the fact that he existed until everything was signed on the dotted line*. Luckily my PI was very family-oriented, but I still felt like I had lied to him. Because, in a certain way, I had.
For my second postdoc, I had originally planned to take the same approach. Hide the fact that the little man existed until the PI could see that I was a wonderful, brilliant, hard-working scientist and then let him know that I came with a blonde hair, blue-eyed, bundle of joy attached at my hip. That didn’t happen. My interview was a conference call with my now current PI and one of his collaborators. She knew of me, because the science world is small, and knew of my family situation. It made me nervous but I was also relieved that I did not have to hide my life. I received an email about a day later offering me the job. It made me think, “Hey. Maybe I have been wrong all of this time? Maybe having a child isn’t the immediate kiss of death that I always assumed it to be.” Then reality hit me again. I was having a conversation with a male colleague who was discussing a past search for a lab tech. He mentioned that once the doors were closed there was a discussion centered around the most qualified candidate. She was female, recently married, and of childbearing age. Questions regarding what would happen if she became pregnant and who would have to pay for a replacement during her maternity leave came up. In the opinion of some, she had a high potential to become a financial burden to the department and that was a significant problem. My soul dropped. That was it, black & white. If you are female & have children (or have that potential) you are a higher financial burden to the department than your male colleagues. You may not be as productive, you may have to take more time off if your child gets sick, or what if (god forbid) you leave to go watch your child’s school program in the middle of the day. You are getting paid but not contributing what you should be contributing. If that is the discussion that happens around a female who does not already have children, what do you think the discussion for a single mom would be? So, with that one statement I am back to the reality that this job season I will have to hide the thing I love the most. If I am lucky enough to get an interview, the little man will not be mentioned unless I am directly asked. Am I lying? No. Am I not being completely honest? Probably. But I’m just trying to level the playing field. I want to be judged on my current ability and future potential as a scientist. I don’t want to be judged on whether I’m going to take an hour off to go have “Mother’s Day Brunch” at my son’s school. Landing a TT job is already hard, being “the single woman with a child” candidate would only make things that much harder.
* For the record, I am not the best at “hiding” my child. A picture of the little man and me is the first image that comes up if you google my name. I mainly hide the fact that I’m a single mom.
Single Mom Postdoc 
Eh, the beautiful thing about the rights movement is that if a potential employer asks you about your familial situation during the interview, it’s actually an ethical violation.
And, believe it or not, if you bring up your familial situation in an interview, that’s a flag for a potential ethical violation too. Because work is supposed to be about work.
So don’t feel guilty. It’s not that dirty of a little secret.
Great first post. My only suggestion would be to break up the paragraphs a little. I know that paragraphs are supposed to be as long as they need to be, but long paragraphs will hurt your blog in the long run. Readers rest their eye-strain between paragraphs.
That’s it! Great first post!
This is a great start to your blog! I look forward to what comes next. And even though I’m not a single parent, I am totally taking notes.
Thanks!! I’m hoping there will be a few notes worth taking. 🙂
Great, great post.
I’m so glad you’re writing this blog!
Thank you! I’m going to try really hard to keep it up.
Keeping your private life private is your right. The sexist reality of our discipline is disheartening, but the only way we’re going to change things is if the white d00ds at the top get replaced with people who understand that diversity is more than just skin color and genitals, and to do that we have to get hired in the first place. It doesn’t matter what your personal life is–if they are considering hiring you then it clearly is not a factor in your past performance and is, therefore, none of their business.
We shouldn’t feel guilted into being obliging. You are not protecting your own interests at a cost to your employer, hiding a conflict of interest or lying by omission since you are not obligated to disclose your family status. They are interviewing you because YOU are impressive and they see that you have something of value to add to their team. That should be the end of the story.
Sadly, I realize that is idealistic and that the reality of what goes on in hiring committees is much more insidious than many would acknowledge.
I agree. We shouldn’t feel guilty and that is what I told myself every time I spoke to my old PI before I signed my contract. But because of the environment that academia has created, most of us always feel that guilt. That we should be doing more, that we should be trying harder. That if we are not in the lab then we are failing. The academic culture itself has to change and, as you said, the only way we can do that is to become the people developing that culture.
This is really interesting for me as I have come to study late in life. I’m mid-30s, half-way through UG but doing it part-time as I have 2 kids and 1 more due in August. I plan on doing a Masters & then PhD and I hope to get into the academic world. By then, my youngest should be 9yrs old.
I’ve been reading up on all the negative sides to the ivory tower and this blog of yours helps too. I had never thought of my kids being my ‘dirty little secret’ but I can see how that happens.
Despite all the negatives I will still pursue what I love and hope it works out but if not at least I’m prepared for the crap through reading blogs like yours! Thank you!
If you love it then do it. Going through grad school as a parent was hard but you figure it out over time. There are negative sides but I also really enjoy academia. I enjoy the conversations I get to have and the people I get get to work with. If I didn’t then I would have left a long time ago. 🙂
You are under no obligation to disclose your family situation to anyone. I know it’s easy for me to say, but if there is a lab weighing your potential based on your family situation, you probably don’t want to be there. Good labs are the ones that are accommodating to good people.
So glad you are blogging! I train faculty search committees and first of all, rule #1 is deliberations must never include a discussion or even a mention of the candidate’s spouse, children, or family, their sexual orientation, their age, or a physical handicap. This is part of the search committee training at many universities. If a candidate is asked about these issues during an interview, the candidate is within their rights to sue the university for discrimination, and this has happened, and candidates have received a settlement. This is illegal because sex/gender discrimination is illegal, same for race, age, handicap. It is also unethical. For these reasons, faculty are trained never to ask these questions. If you heard about this happening, be aware that it was wrong, immoral, illegal, and the people involved have stupidly put themselves in danger of a law suit.
Just like a male candidate, you should expect to be evaluated on your merits, and expect that your reproductive status is to remain off limits for your prospective employers, and for your employers, when you are hired. Feeling guilty about not talking about your reproductive status is a sign of internalized sexism. You might be more sexist than the academy, so stop it. They should not be thinking or caring about a woman’s reproductive status any more than they should be worried about a man’s, again because equality is moral; inequality is immoral, unethical, wrong.
Keep up the blog!
[…] called Single Mom Postdoc that I think will be really interesting to follow. In the first post, Single Mom Postdoc talks about being on the job market as a single mom, and feeling like she has to …. She said she feels like she’s lying. I can understand that feeling, but I also definitely do NOT […]
I understand the unfairness of all of it, especially since as a guy it felt to me that having a family appeared to be helpful if anything during my interviews, as if somehow that made me seem more responsible and stable. Obviously legally there is no reason to disclose this, but there may be some upside to knowing before you get there if that is the kind of environment that would chastise you for having a child. If it was, why would you want to work there in the first place?
Agree. I think the type of University matters as well. In my personal experience the smaller Universities seem to be more “kid friendly” than the larger ones. That being said, the PI who was the most kid friendly throughout my career was at a major medical school, so you never know.
Welcome to the blogosphere! I don’t mention my family in interviews because it is irrelevant. I have four children. When I received my first tenure track position, I had three, with the oldest in 3rd grade and two in preschool. It’s no one’s business how many children you have, your marital status or whether you own an iguana. Interviewing you for a job, your ability to do the work matters and if you are an ass. It is evident you pass both on both scores with flying colors.
Found your blog through a Facebook page for Scientist – moms. Having served on search committees – the discussion regarding the female candidates personal life and childrearing age by your colleague is not only frustrating, it’s illegal – behind closed doors or not – period, no questions asked. It is also illegal to ask about your marital, parenthood, or sexuality status during an interview. It’s all in the Equal Employment Opportunity Laws. If the HR departments of these schools knew this was going on the entire school would be in HR training the very next year. These situations are what good lawsuits are made of. You should in no way feel like you tricked someone into hiring you because you didn’t tell them you have a kid. They are hiring you for your brain, based on past record of success and productivity, and promise of a bright future, so whether or not you have a kid shouldn’t even be on the table (in your mind or theirs). I did not hide the fact that I had a husband (who would need a job) and a kid during my interviews but I also didn’t view it as an admission of some sort of flaw. It is who I am and if they wanted to hire me they were going to hire me as a great scientist who also happens to have a life (oh the horrors right?! – how dare I have a life!). I was lucky enough to have multiple tenure-track job offers, but the off the cuff comments made at some schools regarding women who have kids during the tenure period were enough to make me pause when considering that school as a place of employment. Best of luck in your job search and remember that you are interviewing them as much as they are interviewing you.
This is a great take on how to deal with illegal interview questions: http://www.theladders.com/career-advice/dont-answer-interview-question
I’ve been seeing this blog linked on Twitter and in other people’s blog posts, and I’m excited to follow along. I’m just heading into grad school and have no kidlets, but I’d like to reproduce at some point, so getting perspectives like yours is important to me!
Thanks so much. I’m hoping that it at least will give some insight into the experience of balancing academia and family. Hope you enjoy it!